I've checked out my entire house for electronic bugs, checked under the chair cushions in the dining room for sensors, and closed all the drapes to prevent satellite snooping, but they still know.

I'm embarrassed to admit I'm totally stumped, perplexed and bamboozled. Help me here someone, I'll take any explanation however wild and incredible.

How do the telemarketers know the precise time we have completed saying Amen after our grace before meals? I mean it's far too accurate to be chalked up to happenstance.

Usually I'm a reasonable and polite fellow. But take me away from my food, and be prepared to suffer the consequences. Call Centers, you have been warned!

"Amen! Now please pass the..."

Riiing!

"Hello."

"Good evening! Am I speaking to Mr or Mrs..."

"It's Mr.... Sorry if the octave of my voice threw you there. I usually sniff helium just before I SIT DOWN TO DINNER, Ok? Now let's cut to the chase. What're you selling?"

"Sir we have a truck in your neighbourhood this week and we can offer you an amazing deal in duct-cleaning..."

"Oh my goodness! How unfortunate for you! You are too late I'm afraid. We just killed and plucked our ducks this afternoon. They are presently on the table, sitting on potatoes and carrots and rapidly getting cold. I'd like taste them before they do if you would kindly let me SIT DOWN TO DINNER, Ok?"

"Oh I'm sorry to disturb you sir! Have a pleasant evening."

"You're welcome. And if you wish to leave your number, I can call you back at a more convenient time for me, for example when YOU are sitting down to dinner?"

Click.

"Amen. Now where were we...."

Riiing!

"Ya. What?"

"Good evening!"

"No it's not!"

"Sorry?"

"You should be!"

"Am I calling at a bad time?"

"No for this to be a bad time, there'd have to be a good time."

"Sorry?"

"What're you selling?"

"Because you have been a valued customer of our Bellhop services, we can offer you our loyalty bundle, consisting of cell, land line, cable and Internet access for 50% off the regular price!"

"And if I refuse?"

"Sorry?"

"You do that a lot."

"Sorry?"

"Apologies accepted. Now go away and don't call any more!"

Click.

Grrrrr.

Google folks I have a request. Like I did throughout my school years with my yearbook pictures, I demand a reshoot of my property. It looks like it has a severe case of acne. Let me have a warning at least before you put my yard on stage for all to see. I'll need to cut my lawn, clean my barbecue and clean out the gutters.

Riiiiing!

"Google Earth Studios. How can I help you?"

"I'd like a retake of my yard. In the current one the hedges aren't pruned and there were still breakfast crumbs on the patio table. You have call identity?"

"Yes we do sir"

"Then you don't need me to give you my name and address I assume".

"No sir you don't. We have you locked in, ID'd and active. Sir, it is Google Earth Studio policy to remind patrons that there is a nominal charge of $10 levied for each retake."

"No problem. I'm happy to fork out the money. After all I'm trying to avoid embarrassment on a global scale. How do I pay?"

"I'm looking at your yard now sir. Why don't you slip the $10 under the potted azalea on the left side of your patio door. One of our mobile representatives is scheduled to do 360 degree surface scan of your neighbourhood next week and she can pick it up on her way by."

"Wow. Great customer service!"

"Thanks. At Google Earth, no detail, however small, escapes our attention."

"When can I get the retake?"

"I can book you in for the 23rd at 7:00 am. How is that?"

"Let me see.....Oh no!...That is trash pickup day. I want a time when I can hide the trash bins in the back seat of my car...They are ummmm a little banged up."

"I fully understand sir. How about the 25th at 11:15 am? We have one of our satellites swinging by at that time."

"Perfect! Thanks a lot!"

"Is there anything else you require from Google Earth Studios at this time?"

"No that's it, thanks. Thanks for your time."

"Have a good day sir. At Google Earth, no detail, however small, escapes our attention. Goodbye!"

Click.

Good. That as easy. Oh no! Yiiiiiikes!!!!!!!

"Honey! Quick! Call the house painter! Google's taking a picture of the front of our house next week!"

Ah, it's the beginning of summer and with it comes bugs, burns, barbecues and two annual and recurring events to a neighbourhood near you. Yes I'm referring to yard sales and weekend hackathons.

Since I need to get rid of clutter in my garage but I don't want to lose a precious weekend away from codefesting with my fellow geeks in some industrial mall, I decided this year to combine the two events.

So I am inviting one and all to CodeWhatever's first annual Jumble Sale and Coderama to be held in my garage. Complimentary cold pizza and warm colas will be offered. I think it's a brilliant idea. My wife thinks I'm insane.

Think about it. You bring your laptop and those dozen boxes of old gadgets, orphaned transformers and 8086 computer parts lurking in your basement since the dawn of the new millenium. We set up tables, combine our stuff and wait for customers. While we are waiting, we pick teams and start working on a special mashup challenge (Surprise sponsor guys! You WILL be impressed with the swag they are offering. I'm talking ubercool stuff here!)

Members of the winning team each goes home with amazing.... ah I can't tell you. You have to wait and see!

I'm talking Win Win Win guys. 1) Everyone goes home with pocket change from selling all the useless crap gathering dust in the basement and your spouse is off your case about getting rid of the clutter. 3) The customers are happy carting away cool obsolete junk at obscenely low prices 4) You get to chill with fellow coders with lots of fresh air blowing through the garage (Maybe some hot air as well, sorry Nick and Sandy lol).

Only one extra rule I have to add on top of the usual setup. My wife says you have to take off your shoes when you come in the house to use the john.

Remember Clippy? The Microsoft Word "Assistant" that used to drive us all nuts? He got deep-sixed by the powers that be because he was truly annoying. Like second string standup comics, he worked hard to make us love him but his shtick was minor league stuff.

Yeah they dropped the ball on that. Fast forward to 2012, and Clippy AI.

You open Word and a small Windows Messenger chat window opens up in the upper right corner of your screen.

Clippy2 (Online)
- hey bud! welcome back! sup dude?

Me (Online)
- hey clipster! yeah. im gud u?

Clippy2 (Online)
- just chillin tks.

Me (Online)
- hey man can I ask you a question?

Clippy2 (Online)
- goferit dude.

Me (Online)
- how do I import my resume into Word. it was done in Wordperfect in 1989.

Clippy2 (Online)
- yikes man! LMAO! Sorry....couldn't resist :P - wordperfect eh? hmmmm
- you dont get out much lol
- k i'll check the archives
- aka Internet hahahaha
- brb

Me (Online)
- kk

Clippy2 (Online)
- hey m back
- good news....found a link
- here it is

Me (Online)
- hey man thats great!
- thanks

Clippy2 (Online)
- np bud

Me (Online)
- catch u l8r dude
- bfn

Clippy2 (Online)
- ciao 4 niao

Me (Offline)
Clippy2 (Offline)

I already own 3 convertible USB/wall chargers, a dedicated wall charger, a car charger, a USB rechargeable tether battery and a AA battery charger (3 hours emergency talk time on one AA battery, how cool is that!).

So what's my problem you ask? Even with all these gadgets the screensaver on my phone is still the low battery warning. It's so inconvenient to have to remember to charge the phone or the backup batteries.

The crank recharger sounded just perfect as I read the reviews with excited anticipation. Buying another neat gadget is right up there with New York Style cheesecake, and crank gadgets are at the front of the line (we're talking Cheesecake Factory Dulce Leche here!).

So imagine my utter devastation when I read how the CNET reviewer totally dissed the technology as clumsy and inefficient. Yikes. I seriously need trauma counseling pronto!

I love the crank flashlight in my car and the crank radio somewhere in the basement (I never use it but I can sleep soundly at night knowing it's there for me in case of sudden nuclear winter).

I keep hinting to my wife and kids that for Fathers Day I'd like a crank laptop like the ones offered to rural school children living in the third world http://one.laptop.org/ but I'm told my age and living in Whitby doesn't quite cut it. Who makes up all these rules anyway?

OK you smart guys at Apple. I'm offering green specs for the next generation of Mac Air: Make a crank model with wireless charging capability so it can keep my iPhone charged within 30 meters. It would also help if it could be rolled up to serve as an emergency flashlight and to pick up EMO radio broadcasts in case the Darlington Nuclear plant down the road does a Chernobyl number on us. And oh yes....

Under $100 please. I mean if the UN can pull off such an amazing price point, what's your problem?

The recurring question I get almost every year is "If I decide to do contract work, how much should I charge for my services"?

Yes! Payback time for all the 8:00 am classes when I am forced into a lonely monologue because ninety percent of the class are in deep coma and remaining ten percent look like glassy-eyed trout that had been caught and released once too often.

"With your obvious skills and talent you could easily charge a $2000.00 base fee and a $300.00 per diem for basic markup. Of course charge even more if you have to actually code anything. And if that doesn't work try charging $15 an hour", I reply.

Sheesh.

All joking aside, the question is a good one however. How much should one charge?

Figuring out what to charge for services is somewhat like deciding whether you want to date or have quickie sex.

The quickie model

Are you a web developer who prefers to post rates upfront? If so no prob, no use wasting time. You are into low maintenance.

"Here's what I charge. You tell me what you want done and I'll do it. Now lets get down to it. The sooner it gets finished, the sooner I can move on to another conquest, er I mean client. There it's finished. Here you go. Seeya. Ciao. Call me sometime."

The date and courtship model

Or do you prefer to "consult" with your client to understand their needs. Looking to develop co-dependency? Is a coffee meet over lattes "de rigeur" to establish the level of mutual chemistry that exists between you both. If there is chemistry of course do you offer to exchange private cell numbers, and plan the next meeting over drinks and dinner? Of course at dinner later do you trial balloon some vague notions of the worth of the project? Nothing too specific, mind you. It is still way too soon to test the business relationship with such crass realities. There's time enough for that. After all it's not a website you are building here but a business relationship to withstand the test of ages.

"Ah why don't I prepare a prototype for you and we can meet, say next week at your place or mine, to go over the niceties. I'll spring for the wine. It's chardonnay you prefer right?"

Ah life is too complex and I'm getting too old for the meat market. I'm going to take my own advice and charge a $2000.00 base fee and a $300.00 per diem for basic markup. And I'll charge even more if I have to actually code anything.

If that doesn't work, well I guess I'll charge $15 an hour.